I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
