On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
