I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
