I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
