No awkward lesbian experiences without me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
