so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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