I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
