He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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