I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
