So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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