dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
