just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
