Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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