rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
