he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
