I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
