70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
