just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
