I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
it glows. i had to have it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
