we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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