The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
