No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
