The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
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Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
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OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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