That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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