My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
