the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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