the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
