It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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