and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
