So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
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