There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
