So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
