I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
