My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
