i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
