shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i think i just naturally attract stoners
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize