i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm just crazy horny about you
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
