dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
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Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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