Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
3pm strippers are depressing
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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