Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
my liver is dry heaving
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
