Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
