Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
