Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
