Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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