I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
