Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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