the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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