i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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