Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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