My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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