Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
