I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
