I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
