he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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