I look better un-naked...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
