apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
