Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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