you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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