On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
