I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just pynch a tree in the face
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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