my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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