In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
