I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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